Leah Manning: How we deal with mental health

This speech involves mentions of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self harm, attempted suicide, and suicide from personal expereince. If any of these are triggers for you, please feel free to leave if need be.

As long as I can remember grief has always been associated with death and break ups, either romantically or platonically. Growing up I’ve gone to more funerals than years you’ve been alive.

From my Sophomore year to my Senior year, my mental health struggles were an intense roller coaster that never felt like it was going to end.

It all began on January 8th 2020, when I self-harmed for the first time.

March 13th 2020: lockdown started, or at the time, an “extended spring break”.

April 12th 2020: I self-harmed again.

November of 2020, I sat my parents down and asked if I could see a therapist. December of 2020: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

I didn’t know how to help myself at the time, sure I had a therapist but I felt stupid asking for more help. I was there for depression, not anything else, or so I thought… .

January of 2021: diagnosed with restrictive eating and body dysmorphia

April of 2021: diagnosed with anorexia

May of 2021: stopped weighing myself

January of 2022: diagnosed with binging and purging disorder

March 4th 2022: got anxiety medication

March 21st 2022: I still haven’t taken anxiety medication and it's been 717 days since I last self-harmed.

I don’t really have a reason for not taking my medication, taking pills has never been a problem for me, I mean I used to swallow grapes whole as a kid, honestly it’s a miracle I’m still alive. I’ve just never gotten around to opening the brown paper bag that's still stapled shut on my countertop.

When I was in sixth grade I learned that my uncle did not pass peacefully in his sleep but died by suicide on July 25th 2005. I often would wonder why, why would you leave when you have a family? Why would you leave when medicine was available? How could you not know people care about you? I’ve learned over the years that my uncle had medicine, but refused to take it because it was pink.

The first week of January, more specifically; the day before we went back to school after winter break. I was laying on my couch watching something True Crime related waiting for the video to be over so I could get in the shower. 10:30pm my phone rings, it's one of my close friends, and I debate on answering. We have school the next day so she can tell me then. Annoyed, I eventually picked up the phone, and still to this day I wish I would’ve answered faster. Although it wouldn’t have changed anything. In the three minute phone call, I learned that not only was my best friend currently missing but she had texted two other people a suicide note over text. I hung up to call 911, however I was so overwhelmed and riddled with anxiety that I never made that phone call. Two hours later, I got the news.

*pause*

She was found. In a ditch. Alive.

*pause*

Throughout my four years of high school, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve been taught about mental health and grief. Once, during health class before a worldwide pandemic hit. We reviewed what depression, anxiety, and eating disorders were although what I learned was nowhere near what I experience in my day to day life. At least I still know the seven stages of grief; shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger, depression and reflection, upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance and hope. The lesson seemed rushed, I don’t even think we spent a month on it. No one explained to me how people experience grief differently and how long it can last for different people.

I once reached out to a teacher for help and their first question was “Do you have a therapist?” I responded with the fact that I didn’t at the time, and was told some stupid inspirarional quote about how it’ll get better soon. Then why, two years later, is my depression worse? Why is it that all we learn in school about mental health and grief is the seven stages of grief and the textbook definitions of the most common mental illnesses. If schools think that taping up depression facts and inspirational quotes on doors, walls, bathroom mirrors, and whiteboards will help, then I’m truly sorry for the next generation.

Although it will feel like the school doesn’t do much for mental health and the grieving process, your teachers and administrators can only do so much. You have to decide how to help yourself. You have to decide if you reach out for help or not. You have to decide how you deal with mental health and the grieving process. In high school you’ll be taught the basics, it’s up to you how you use that information.

Leah Manning